01 November 2009

Waiting, I despair

Welcome to my new blog.  I decided I was tired of the other one & that I would start a new one.  I will be writing about every day life.  I may post song lyrics once in a while, if I'm listening to music and a song just really describes how I am feeling at the time.  I used to be a poet & would like to get back into that.  If I come up with anything good I'll post it here also.  I will share my blog with you, but please keep in mind that it is here for me.  I am doing this simply as a way of expressing my feelings and thoughts, because keeping them kept inside is killing me.

I have not been the happiest person in the world lately.  You see, my birthday is coming up in less than a month (Happy Birthday to my brother, by the way).  I am going to turn twenty seven years old.  I have not made anything of my life.  I have worked a few different jobs, but none of them have been something I have truly loved.  At first I did love being a nanny for my niece, but as she has gotten older, it has gotten less... good.  She is a handful.  It is difficult to keep up with her sometimes, especially on the days that she decides she doesn't want to be happy, or the days she decides she wants to throw fits & hit me all day.  I have not gotten a college degree.  I have not made enough money to have my own home or a semi-new vehicle.  I have not met a man I want to marry and have kids with (I thought I did once, but that changed), and marriage and kids are something that I truly want deep down inside.

I moved to Colorado from Kansas (where I lived from the day I was born) one and a quarter years ago.  At first, it was great.  I needed so badly to get away from Kansas after the rough break-up I had with my ex-fiance.  I got a second job and met some really cool people there.  I quit after a year or so, because management sucked and treated people like crap.  We moved from Boulder to Louisville a few months ago.  I didn't LOVE Boulder, but I did like living there a lot better than I like this place so far.  I feel like I am living in some really crappy basement right now.  The way my brother & sister-in-law talked when we moved was like they were going to finish the rest of the basement first thing to give me a nicer place to stay.  My brother works on the basement when he can, but he also takes breaks to do other work around the house.  My sister-in-law is back to working sometimes on the weekends, and since I also work some weekends, my brother does not have time to work on the basement very often.  In Boulder, I still did not have my own "bedroom" since where I slept was a family room, but it was nicer.  Thankfully, it is finally starting to seem like the basement will be finished soon.  My brother has bought pretty much everything that is needed for the bathroom that will be part of my suite.  I also believe that most, if not all, of the framing has been finished.  I think the next couple of things that need finished are electrical & plumbing.  Then it will be time to do drywall (I think my brother is going to hire someone to do that part), and finally, the finishing (installing bathroom stuff, carpeting, painting, etc).

I am currently writing this after having what is probably the worst Halloween of my life.  Halloween is (or was, I guess) my favorite holiday, you see.  I love the dressing up (or seeing the little kiddies dressed up), the trick-or-treating (or handing out candy) and all of the other stuff that comes along with it.  I love the Halloween decorations.  I love watching horror flicks with family &/or friends at the end of the night.  When I was back in Kansas, I did all of these things (when I wasn't working, which was still fun).  We all went to a Halloween party this afternoon, which was kind of fun, but it just wasn't the same as being with my younger siblings on Halloween.  Taking my niece around to a few houses to trick-or-treat was fun also.  For a while, I also enjoyed sitting around waiting for the kids to come to the door to trick-or-treat.  My brother called our mom to find out if the younger kids went out trick-or-treating and I was excited to ask what all mom said when he got off the phone.  While he was still on the phone, though, I got an eye-roll/dirty look and a comment that came with attitude.  This completely ruined it for me.  I couldn't be happy waiting for kids to stop by anymore.  I forgot to ask more about what mom said on the phone.  After a couple of minutes of sitting there, trying really hard not to cry in front of everyone, I came downstairs to the basement.  I haven't been up since other than to grab some water.  I watched Edward Scissorhands & Beetlejuice to try to help my mood.  Next year for Halloween, even if they aren't doing anything fun, I am going to go spend it with my sister in Arvada (unless I am back home & can spend it with my younger siblings).  I'd rather sit around doing nothing than have the emotional pain that I had tonight.  Halloween has always been associated with happy for me, but that changed this year.

I struggled with depression for many, many years.  I pushed it down and didn't let anybody see me cry for the longest time.  Finally, my boyfriend a few years ago decided that I needed to talk to somebody about it.  I didn't want counseling or anything because I did not have anything to talk about.  I just got really sad all the time and didn't know why.  I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants for a chemical imabalance.  They helped a lot.  I was on them for a couple years, then off for a few months, then back on them for a while.  I have been without them for about 3 years now.  I thought that i wasn't depressed at all anymore.  Maybe I'm not.  A lot of times lately, though, I find myself crying.  My ex-fiance committed suicide in September.  At first it really didn't bother me.  We had been apart for a year & a half.  He had hurt me and I was happy to not have talked to him in such a long time.  A couple days after I found out, it hit me.  This was the person I was going to marry.  It really got to me.  Once my questions were answered (thanks to his brother), I was fine again.  I had some sleeping trouble & figured it would go away in a couple of weeks, once I got over the news of his suicide.  I've been having trouble sleeping for about a month now.  It's not because of his death anymore.  It's insomnia.  I had it really bad for a few years a few years ago.  I try sleepytime tea, melatonin & even tylenol PM.  Nothing helps.  I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night.  My body really needs a full 8-9 to function properly (or maybe my mind does).  I find that if I don't set an alarm for work or anything, and the house is quiet enough in the morning, I can sleep in.  Once I fall asleep I can stay asleep for a long time.  Usually, though, I have to get up for work.  The days I don't have to get up for work, there is usually way too much noise in the house for me to sleep through.  I just wish I could fall asleep at a decent hour.  Sometimes I get tired, but then I just lay in bed for hours tossing & turning.  I wish I could sleep like I did before, when my life seemed like it was where I wanted it to be.

My brain is ready to rest.  This was good, just getting some of my thoughts out there.  I look forward to seeing what other thoughts I put in this blog as time goes on.  Hopefully one day soon, I will have a blog entry about how great my life is going & how I'm happy.

Until then...