30 November 2009

She moves through moonbeams slowly

I haven't updated this in a while.  I guess you could say I have been busy.

I haven't been feeling too great emotionally lately.  I'm just really stressed about money and the whole trying to go back to school thing.  I need to get my old loans paid off right away, but of course don't have money for it.  I need to get my stupid KU transcripts sent to KSU & get approved by January, but I can't get them sent until my loans are paid off.  Then I need to file for financial aid.  It's just not going to happen.  I can't come up with the money that quickly.  I worry I won't get approved by KSU anyway, because I got such crappy grades before.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do if I don't get in.  I might go back to Kansas anyway, and just work & live there.  Jamie mentioned that I could move to Arvada because it's cheaper there.  Then I could just work & live there and stay close to her.  But then I think... am I going to be better off staying here?  Or would I be better off going back to Kansas and seeing if I can be happy there again?  I'd love to move somewhere that's not here or Kansas, but I don't know how I would handle being away from all of my family.

Mom, Lynn & the twins came out for Thanksgiving.  It was fun to have them around.  I miss them so much when I don't see them for months at a time.  I played some basketball with Logan (and Jason once).  Logan trained me on free throws.  I believe I shoot quite a bit better now than I did before we got to hang out.  He and Lynn watched some of the Nuggets game with me Friday night.  They both fell asleep:

Kaitlyn and mom helped me make Denver Nuggets cupcakes.  I missed a lot of the first half, so I watched it again Saturday.

We spent a lot of time over at Jamie's, where everyone got to play with Lainey.  Neither Jamie nor myself got many pictures.  She was busy in the kitchen and I was busy trying to just enjoy the time with my family.  Lainey really liked everybody, though.

We ate some yummy food on Thursday.  Jamie and Jason are great cooks.

Thursday night we (at least the twins & I) went to bed around 9.  We had trouble falling asleep.  I think we were all hyper or something.  I'm not sure what time we actually fell asleep.  We planned to wake up at 3:45 (that's what time I had my alarm set for).  Somehow, Logan had an alarm go off at 2.  We tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.  So after getting probably 4 hours of sleep, we were awake.  Around 3 something we heard mom & Lynn moving around upstairs so got out of bed and went up there.  We all left before 4 for Black Friday shopping.  I waited in line at Best Buy for 2 hours, with the twins and mom taking turns standing with me.  Lynn was in line at Office Depot in case we couldn't get the computer they wanted at Best Buy.  It was cold after a while, but I enjoyed the people.  We got it.  While mom & Lynn were in line to get the computer, then to check out, Logan, Kaitlyn & I played around in the musical instruments room.  I got tired of that and we still had about an hour to wait, so we went next door to Wal Mart.  We walked around just a tiny bit.  It was too crowded.  I did find some $2 DVDs I wanted, so I stood in line to check out for about half an hour with those.  The twins stood with me for a while, then I gave them some money to go into McDonalds to get a drink.  They came back for a few minutes, then went and sat in McDs until I was done.  Then we went back to Best Buy, got the keys, put my DVDs in the car & went back in Best Buy for a bit till mom & Lynn were done.

By the time we got back home I was starting to get grumpy.  Kaitlyn and I decided we'd make the cupcakes so they would be ready to decorate that night.  We started measuring things & cracking eggs when mom came in and told us we were going to Jamie's right then.  So we put our stuff aside and left.  We took my car in case I decided I wanted to go to work (I didn't, my wrist was too sore). We got to Jamie's house, then all of us girls left for Old Navy, BBB & KMart.  I was tired of shopping by this point and wished I would have stayed home with the boys.  We got back to Jamie's house and everyone was hungry so we had brunch at The Egg & I.  It was delicious.  After that we went back to Jamie's for a while.  Then us girls went to Target.  Then back to Jamie's.  Logan, Kaitlyn & I went to get the basketball out of the Envoy at the Antique Mall, thinking we were going to go find a rec center to play at.  I decided we didn't need to spend the $15+ to play basketball so we walked around the Antique place for a while, then went to 7 Eleven for slurpees, then stopped at Kohls to look around.  After that we went back to Jamie's to find that everyone was gone.  We decided to go to the park to play basketball.  We stayed there for about an hour & when we got back they were home.  We all hung out for a while, then mom & I went to Target to get some curtains she wanted there, then to Costco.  When we got back to Jamie's everyone was starting to eat leftovers from Thursday for dinner.  We all had dinner, then Kaitlyn & I left to head back to my house & start the cupcakes and watch the game.  Shortly after mom, Lynn & Logan got home.  We all hung out, making cupcakes and watching the Nuggets.  I'm not sure when we went to bed that night, but mom & I were the last ones up, watching the game.  I woke up aroud 6:30 Saturday and Kaitlyn, Logan & their stuff was out of my room.  I went upstairs and they were just gathering everything up and packing up the car.  They left around 7 & I thought I would go back to sleep, but I couldn't.  I spent all day Saturday sitting around the house watching movies.  I did the same thing until about 5 yesterday evening.  It was nice to have the house to myself for a couple of days and watch movies.

19 November 2009

This is the last time I'm gonna kiss you

I fell in love today at work, with a 3 month old Swiss Mountain Dog.  His name is Barley or something like that... something with a B.  His owner is the son of one of the adult librarians.  They bought him in to show him off and the librarian was talking to some of the ladies and the guy and dog were waiting for her and the dog saw me and started bolting to me.  He was so excited to see me (didn't do that with anyone else).  I petted him for a long time and talked to the guy about how cute he is and stuff.  I was all outgoing (those that don't know, I'm usually a fairly shy person) cuz I was so in love with the dog.  Then they were going upstairs to show him off and he kept pulling back toward me when they started walking away.  Later, I was heading back to behind the desk as they were leaving and he started like... jumping towards me with excitement.  I think I RAN over to pet him again before they left and i told him to "be a good boy."  And then I was super happy for a few minutes, then super sad the rest of work because I missed him so bad.  I still do.    I have decided I'm going to ask the librarian where her son lives and if it's close, I'm going to tell her to tell him to let me come play with puppy.

Dentist.  Worst appointment of my life.  I am in so much pain.  My jaw on both sides is aching and it's radiating up into my head.  He had so much trouble with this stupid tooth.  He kept saying "oh Jennifer, oh Jennifer I'm not certain I can save this tooth,"  "oh Jennifer I'm so sorry this tooth just doesn't want to work with me," "oh that's a lot of blood," "oh Jennifer, breathe, breathe..." (because I was holding my breath a lot)  "jennifer? are you awake???"  They had trouble getting the dam up around the tooth cuz it was so stupid. It bled the whole time, apparently pretty bad. They had trouble getting me to go numb and oh my god he started drilling when I said I thought I was numb. I wasn't numb and if my mouth hadn't been held open by the brace thingy they put in it I would have started screaming.  Instead I grabbed his arm. It took forever.  He had to use some special stuff he mixed up to start the actual filling once he got it all drilled out. Then it didn't stay cuz my tooth got too wet, then he did it again.  An hour and a half later, it was filled. I guess there is practically no actual tooth there now, mostly just filling.

Apparently this was my last filling.  I owe them 510 dollars right now.  I need at least 2 crowns, possibly 2 on top of that.  I'm going to wait till I can pay down the 510 some to start those.  The receptionist (dentist's wife) gave me an estimate. Each crown at most will be $1205, and that's if I need buildup.  She said I probably won't on a couple of them. 955 w/out the buildup and of course she will "give me my usual discount" (whispered cuz other patients were around) since she doesn't have to file insurance for me.

That was my day.

Now I am starving.  All I have had to eat all day is a tiny little piece of birthday cake at work.  The worst part of it is... I can't eat.  If I'm still numb in an hour or 2 I'm going to go buy some instant mashed potatoes or something.

17 November 2009

If its all over, just tell me so...

I applied to Kansas State University on Sunday.  My goal is to move to Manhattan a couple months before August, and start school in the fall 2010 semester.  I was super super excited about it all.  Yesterday, though, I found out that KU won't release my transcripts.  I have to pay the last $1164.46 on my Perkins Loans I had to go to school there before they will release them.  This totally ruined my excitement.  I hate KU & how rude their employees are.  At this point I pretty much have to not buy anything I might need or want.  I have to put all money possible towards that $1100 to get it paid off.  I need it done ASAP so I can get my transcripts released, and so hopefully I will also be able to get new financial aid so I can actually go to KSU.  That means not paying the dentist as quickly as I hoped, which means having a very large debt.  That means one tiny tiny little xmas gift for the babies, and absolutely nothing else.  That means no being able to afford stuff to make cookies/candy for Christmas.  That means Christmas being completely crappy for me, because making candy & cookies is my favorite part of it, especially since I'll probably be in Colorado.  At least I'll have the house to myself for a while... that will be nice.  I had requested time off work to go to KS.  If we end up not going, even though I need the money, I may still take the time off.  It would be nice to get to finally catch up on sleep.

Ugh.  I can't even type about it anymore because it just depresses me.

14 November 2009

If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere."
- Francois de la Rochefoucauld

12 November 2009

My backbone is paper-thin

Yesterday was a fun day.  Erica, Josie & I went to the zoo in the morning.  We got to see one of the red pandas (I believe Sophia, the mother).  The rest didn't come out.  I did get a few pictures of her, though.

We also saw the elephants:

Of course, we saw other animals also.  Josie really loved the Harbor Seals.  I just wanted to go back to the red pandas.  I swear someday I'm going to go myself and just sit there by them all day.

After that we came home for a while.  I went to the dentist and got 2 more fillings.  The dentist told me all about my teeth & fillings.  He took me in his office to read me an article on fillings and stuff too.  I go back again next Thursday. 

After I got back from the dentist we went to Kohls so Erica could try to do a little shopping. 

We went for a walk, came home and waited for Tim to get home.  Right when he walked in the door, Erica & I left.  We went to the Double Happy Chinese restaurant for dinner.  It was the best Chinese food I have ever had.  I'm glad to know it's good, since it's so close.  Then we went to Boulder, walked around Borders & saw Where The Wild Things Are.  It was the cutest movie I have ever seen.  It was difficult not to cry at a couple of points.  I will definitely be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

While we were on our walk we had a nice, long talk about my future.  Basically what came of it is... I want to go back to school.  In Kansas.  I'm thinking in August, but I need to look into everything and talk to everyone and figure it all out.

09 November 2009

Tonight me & Denver are gonna sing...

So I have had this headache for quite a while now.  It's probably been a week since I got it, but it's been really horrible the last couple of days.  I'm not sure what is causing it (stress could be, but it doesn't feel like a tension headache).  I just wish it would go away.

Since I have been feeling pretty depressed lately, I decided to look at Red Pandas today.  Online of course.  If the weather is good enough Wednesday morning I'll get to (hopefully) see them at the zoo.

I have also recently discovered that I really like the way Tasmanian Devils look.  I haven't read up on them, so I don't know much about them, but I think they're cute little guys.  Of course... I don't plan to get a Tasmanian Devil tattoo.  I do, however, plan to get this done as soon as I have the money (I am slowly, but surely saving up).

Isn't it pretty?  Oh man.  I am looking forward to (hopefully) spending the holidays with my family this year.  I am looking forward to getting my dental work finished & paid for.  I am looking forward to finding out the gender of my sister's 2nd baby on Friday.  I am looking forward to a few other things.  The thing I am most looking forward to in my life, though, is getting my red panda tattoo.

Last night my finger jammed up really bad (or something).  My left middle finger goes through this thing where it feels like it's jammed when I bend it.  It does it all the time.  Last night was bad, though.  I just bent it and it started hurting so incredibly bad.  I was so close to crying from the pain.  It felt really swollen and like it wouldn't move. I put it up to my ear and started to bend it & I could hear lots of little cracks in it.  I couldn't figure out why.  I couldn't find our soft ice pack, so I put a bag of frozen corn on it for a while to numb it.  Then I took some ibuprofen for it.  When I woke up this morning it was better, but it's still a little sore.

My niece took a 2 and a half hour nap today.  I read while she slept.  I am really enjoying the current book.  I should be done with it by the end of the week.  Then I'm going to be reading Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins.  I am so excited to read it.  I think once I'm done with that I'll read the 4th Dexter book.

07 November 2009

I wish I was sleeping in your hospital bed

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?

What do you get complimented on the most?
Nothing, really.  Maybe my tattoo haha

Is your best friend a boy or a girl?
Both of them are girls, which is weird since I get along so much better with boys.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
I'm trying not to get too excited about Thanksgiving in case it doesn't happen.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I probably could, but I don't want to so...

How are you feeling?
My eyes hurt.

How do you feel about big trucks?
I don't really have any feelings toward them, either way.

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My eyes.

Do you want someone to call you right now?
No.  I don't really like to talk on the telephone. I prefer internet & text messages.

Is there something you're not looking forward to?
Going to the dentist again on Wednesday.

Is something wrong right now?
Nothing out of the ordinary.

Can you play an instrument?
I can play the chorus of Mmmbop on the piano, and the chorus of some other song (Foghat or something?) on guitar.

Are you mad at someone?
Not really.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Sleeping in for me is sleeping until like 8... and no.

Can you honestly say you listen to all kinds of music?
I don't listen to every single kind of music, but I listen to many different types of it.

Do you look intimidating?
Not that I know of, except maybe when I make my eyes really big.

Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?

Laptop or Desktop?
I have a desktop, but I don't mind laptops.

What is your favorite thing to shop for?
I don't think I really LIKE shopping for anything.  Once in a while I like to shop for baby stuff for EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE CUZ THEY ALL HAVE BABIES.

In school, how was/is your attendance record?
It wasn't so great......

What friends do you get along with the best?
The ones I've never met in person haha

Have you ever fought over the opposite sex?
Not really.  I've argued over a boy, with my mom & sister.

Are you good at math?
I know enough to get by.

Do you usually listen to your parents?
I try to listen to my mommy. 

What's your favorite holiday?
I guess it's Thanksgiving now, because I don't really like Halloween since I moved away.

Ever dyed your hair?

Would you rather own a snake or a rabbit?
Rabbit, though I have no desire to own one.  I want 500 dogs and 50 cats.

Do you have any siblings? Do you get along?
I have a ton of siblings.  I get along with all of them.  I don't really ever see/talk to one of them, but when I see her we get along.

Do you cry a lot?
Not as much as I used to.

Do you act more silly or serious?
People probably say serious, but it's not what I'm going for.

Are you good at keeping secrets?
Of course I am.

Would you like to fall in love?
I'm not sure.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?

Do you have any gay/bi/lesbian friends?
Yeah, they aren't really close friends, but...

What's the last thing you ate/drank?

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, and supposedly discussing cake orders & watching movies.

Do you have any shirts with funny sayings on them?
Not really.

What does your favorite shirt look like?
I don't have a favorite shirt.

Are your bedroom walls a different color than white?
No, they're white.

What day of the week is it?

Have you ever ridden first class on an airplane?
I don't remember what class my whole 2 separate airplane rides were.

How often do you wear a belt?
Once every 5 years or so.

Have you ever had seagulls attack you at the beach?

Are you excited for anything?
Again, the thanksgiving thing.

Is there someone on your mind that really shouldn't be there?
No. I can have whoever on my mind whenever.

Can you drive?

Do you always find it cute when boys call you babe/baby?
Not really, some people don't make it sound cute...

Has a boy ever asked your best friend about you?
Not that I know of.

Do you like your life right now?
Not really.  It's not the worst ever, though.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
probably @meesterbob.  I think he's always the last person I talk to before bed.

Who knows you better than you know yourself?
Nobody, as far as I know.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
It was like 1 last time I looked at the time, but that doesn't mean anything.  I don't really pay attention to time unless I'm getting ready for work or at work.

Do you have friends you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?
Yeah, there are a couple.

Are you in a good mood right now
Not since I suddenly got nauseated a few minutes ago.

Do you take compliments well?

What bed did you sleep in last night?
My own.  Always my own unless the basement gets water in it & we have to pull the carpet up, then I sleep in the guest bed.

What was the last thing you cried about?
I'm not sure.

How many people are you texting?
None right now.

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
I totally wish.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

Is there anyone you trust who you shouldn't?

Have you ever gotten the butterflies?
You mean where your stomach gets all funny and you get nervous?  So many times.

If you could change anything about your past, would you?
Yeah.  Usually I would say no cuz it's what makes me who I am, but I don't love who I am right now.

What are you doing next summer?
Probably working...

In the last month have you wanted to punch someone's face in?
Not really, though someone has really angered me.  I got over it quickly though.

Do you think its cute when a boy says 'i love you'?
Um, no, not necessarily.

Why aren't you going out with the person you like?

Are you cheating on someone right now?
Yes, every single day.... NO.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Doubt it.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Erica, Jamie or mom.

Anyone you're giving up on?

Are you taller than your mom?
No, she's like 2 inches taller than me now.

Is anything upsetting you right now?
My stomach haha

05 November 2009

The only verdict is vengeance, a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain.

Breathe in for luck

This time last year, what was your relationship status?
The same as it is now, and has been for a year & a half.  Single.

Have you ever gone up to car thinking it was yours, and almost got in?
Not that I can remember.

What does your 5th text say?
"well that makes me feel good! I miss you too jenni. we have a few cakes to make this month if your down. bella's and jodi's son braden."

When was the last time you saw the person you like?

Have you told anybody you loved them today?

Honestly, do you have strong feelings for someone right now?

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Two people have, but one of them was completely my fault.

What would your name be with the first three letters?

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with P or D?

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friends?
I've slept in the same bed with Jamie, and on the floor with Kay... And I slept in the same bed as Dusty quite a few times... hahaha

What are you listening to?
Anti-Flag just came on.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
I have no idea.  I'm kind of afraid to date anybody... like ever again.

How have you felt today?
I had a killer headache earlier.

Was this summer a good one?
Not really.

Do you honestly miss someone?
Yes.  I miss Kay.  I miss mommy. I miss dad. I miss Lynn. I miss Lillian. I miss Kait. I miss Logan. I miss Austin. I miss grandma.  I miss some ex-coworkers.

Would you rather get a new puppy or a new car?
Oh wow.  That is a difficult one.  I need a new car.  If I didn't, I would totally choose puppy.

You receive $50 without any reason, what do you spend it on?

Are you happy with life at the moment?

Have you had any beer this weekend?

Are you a jealous person?
jealous, no. paranoid, yes.

Would you ever dye your hair black?
I don't think it would work with my complexion.

Have you ever received a call that made you cry?
I've received a few calls that made me cry.

How many times have you cried this week?
Only once, I think.

Do you like to cuddle?
I love it.  Too bad the only people I have to cuddle with are dogs.

Do you love coffee?
Not when it's black.

Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/ girlfriend myspace with out them knowing?

Do you swear often?
Not really.  Once in a while around Kay, but that's about it.

Would you go out in public looking the way you do?
Yes, and I have.  PJs all the way!

Would you rather tell somebody straight up, or wait?
"Straight up!"

Is your hair long enough to put in a ponytail?
Yes. It needs cut, too.

Would you eat a cockroach for your last ex if they asked you?
No. If they asked me I would walk out forever... not that he can ever ask me anything again, unless he comes to haunt me.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
I really do not see that happening.

Did someone see you in your underwear yesterday?

Are you single, or taken? or is it complicated?
Always single.

Does the number of people a person has slept with affect your view of them?
Only if I was gonna sleep with them.

Was last night terrible?
No. Nuggets won.

Is it okay to like someone else when you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
You like who you like, but if you like them THAT much you shouldn't be with your boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.

Have you ever sneaked someone over to your house?
Not that I remember.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
Of course.

Have you done something bad today?

When is the last time you saw someone without their shirt on?
I don't know.

Are you one of those people who constantly check the time?
Not constantly, but often.

Have you ever hooked up with someone just to make someone jealous?

Ever been called a flirt?

What's your favorite color(s)?

What are you doing tonight?
Remember, remember the 5th of November.  I'm watching V for Vendetta as soon as the niece goes to sleep & it's nice & quiet.

How are you feeling RIGHT NOW?
Normal... I mean, my normal.

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
When I don't, I spill on myself.. unless there is a straw involved.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
I am living proof that wanting something badly isn't enough.

Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?

Kill or Be killed?
Be killed... well, probably.  Depends on who I would have to kill I guess.

Break someone's heart or have your heart broken?
It broke my heart to break someone's heart. I guess have mine broken cuz then only one person has the broken heart.

What did you do today?
Worked, worked, ate dinner, came to the computer.

Do you like someone right this second?
I like lots of people.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
There are so many more that I want.  I need money!

What was the last thing you ate?

Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm always tired in the morning.  But I'm always frustrated at night because I'm not asleep.

Do you snore?

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
I'm not sure....

What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body?
I'd probably close the door, first of all.  Then if someone else was home I'd go tell them.  Then I don't know. I guess if someone else wasn't home I would get a little bit freaked out and call 911.

Do you like to spend time with people?
It depends on the people.

Are you hungry?

Are you a forgiving person?
I try to be.

When was the last time you did the dishes?
Um... I put them away at least twice a week.  I put my dirty ones in the dishwasher whenever I use them.

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?

What are you about to do?

Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?

Your name plus "ness"?
This question makes me angry.

Done anything you regret so far in life?

Where are you right now?
In front of my computer.

What are you scared of?
Lots of things.  Mostly I'm scared of losing anyone else I love.

Are you thinking of someone right now?

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?

Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
I don't remember.

Have you changed much this year?
More than I wanted to.

Where was the last place you went besides where you are?

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Do you speak any other language?
Not really.

Do you dress for style or comfort?
Comfort as much as I can.

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
I want to go to Mexico.

What's the craziest thing you've done?
Gotten engaged to be married.

What are you looking forward to this fall?
Fall is stupid here. I'm not looking forward to anything about it.

Last time you smiled?
When I was reading my book earlier.

If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?

03 November 2009

I want you to know that I miss you

I had a.........day today.  I started the day off by going to the dentist for a filling.  It wasn't all that painful, but my jaw has been sore since.  The dentist showed me my tooth on this little camera thing.  It was pretty bad.  There is a crack on the inside of my tooth from the old filling expanding.  It is definitely going to be a root canal.  I have a few other things that need done before they do that, though.  It's going to be a rough few months when it comes to my stupid mouth.

After that I came home to read for a few.  After a bit I decided I wanted to go to the county clerk's office to see if they were busy.  I got there and the employees were all just sitting there so I got my VIN verification & registration.  I am now officially a Colorado resident.  It was less than 90 bucks, which is great.  I kept expecting it to be a lot more than that.

I came home to watch my niece.  She was not a happy kid today.  She kept throwing tantrums.  At one point she punched me in the mouth hard enough that it was still sore over an hour later (it's better now).  Yeah, I'm tough, I get beat up by 17 month olds.  She had fallen asleep on her mom earlier in the morning and slept for almost an hour.  She doesn't do good if she has a nap (especially one that short)  before noon.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I watched the Nuggets game this evening.  They won by 18 & are now 4-0.  They play again tomorrow.  I'm excited to watch it.  They're doing so so good.  Smith should be back for the game against Chicago next Tuesday.  We'll only improve having him back.

Now it's time to watch a movie. :)

01 November 2009

All you need is love

I went upstairs to get some water earlier and my niece reached for me.  She was pretty darn lovey with me for a while.  After dinner I started watching the Nuggets game upstairs since I could have it paused while we ate so I didn't miss anything.  My sister in law and brother came downstairs to do laundry & shave his head.  My niece sat in my lap and watched the game with me while they were downstairs.  She clapped when I got excited about us scoring a point.  She also started waving at Birdman when they showed him up close to shoot FTs. 

My day seems to have been much better than yesterday.  I think I was extra emotional yesterday, and just needed the break from my regular surroundings for a few hours today.

The Nuggets are currently winning by 9. Watching them on TV really makes me happy.  Maybe one day I'll have someone to take me to see a game live.

I'm gonna find a way to keep this civilized

I spent the day at my sister's house with her, her husband (he was working so I didn't see him all that much) and their baby girl.  It was nice to be out of my house for the majority of the day.  We didn't really do anything, just sat around talking.  I need to get over there more often.  I'm going to go back next weekend to help with my niece while they test drive some vehicles.

Here's a photo of my sister & her little girl (I don't know why it looks so fuzzy):

I got home just a little bit ago, put away my stuff, uploaded some photos, checked email, etc.  It was a really pretty drive home, with the sun just starting to set.  I tried to enjoy it instead of thinking of the fact that I was on my way home when I didn't really want to come back.

I seem to feel bored most of the time when I'm at my sister's house, but at the same time I feel comfortable and at home.  I feel like I'm with FAMILY.  I feel like the people around me actually care about me.

I guess my mom, stepdad & younger siblings are coming out here for Thanksgiving (as long as the weather isn't bad).  I am really, really looking forward to it.  If they don't make it out (let's all hope they do, because I need them) it will still be a good holiday.  I had such a good time cooking Christmas dinner with my sister and her husband last year, and we'll be doing that for Thanksgiving this year.  It will, of course, be even better with more family here.  The current plan for Christmas is to go back to Kansas (riding with my sister & her family).  Again, the weather being bad will keep that from happening, so let's all hope that the weather holds up for that holiday also.

There is a Denver Nuggets game on in about half an hour.  I really enjoy watching them play, so it should be a decent evening (as long as my game isn't interrupted over & over).

Waiting, I despair

Welcome to my new blog.  I decided I was tired of the other one & that I would start a new one.  I will be writing about every day life.  I may post song lyrics once in a while, if I'm listening to music and a song just really describes how I am feeling at the time.  I used to be a poet & would like to get back into that.  If I come up with anything good I'll post it here also.  I will share my blog with you, but please keep in mind that it is here for me.  I am doing this simply as a way of expressing my feelings and thoughts, because keeping them kept inside is killing me.

I have not been the happiest person in the world lately.  You see, my birthday is coming up in less than a month (Happy Birthday to my brother, by the way).  I am going to turn twenty seven years old.  I have not made anything of my life.  I have worked a few different jobs, but none of them have been something I have truly loved.  At first I did love being a nanny for my niece, but as she has gotten older, it has gotten less... good.  She is a handful.  It is difficult to keep up with her sometimes, especially on the days that she decides she doesn't want to be happy, or the days she decides she wants to throw fits & hit me all day.  I have not gotten a college degree.  I have not made enough money to have my own home or a semi-new vehicle.  I have not met a man I want to marry and have kids with (I thought I did once, but that changed), and marriage and kids are something that I truly want deep down inside.

I moved to Colorado from Kansas (where I lived from the day I was born) one and a quarter years ago.  At first, it was great.  I needed so badly to get away from Kansas after the rough break-up I had with my ex-fiance.  I got a second job and met some really cool people there.  I quit after a year or so, because management sucked and treated people like crap.  We moved from Boulder to Louisville a few months ago.  I didn't LOVE Boulder, but I did like living there a lot better than I like this place so far.  I feel like I am living in some really crappy basement right now.  The way my brother & sister-in-law talked when we moved was like they were going to finish the rest of the basement first thing to give me a nicer place to stay.  My brother works on the basement when he can, but he also takes breaks to do other work around the house.  My sister-in-law is back to working sometimes on the weekends, and since I also work some weekends, my brother does not have time to work on the basement very often.  In Boulder, I still did not have my own "bedroom" since where I slept was a family room, but it was nicer.  Thankfully, it is finally starting to seem like the basement will be finished soon.  My brother has bought pretty much everything that is needed for the bathroom that will be part of my suite.  I also believe that most, if not all, of the framing has been finished.  I think the next couple of things that need finished are electrical & plumbing.  Then it will be time to do drywall (I think my brother is going to hire someone to do that part), and finally, the finishing (installing bathroom stuff, carpeting, painting, etc).

I am currently writing this after having what is probably the worst Halloween of my life.  Halloween is (or was, I guess) my favorite holiday, you see.  I love the dressing up (or seeing the little kiddies dressed up), the trick-or-treating (or handing out candy) and all of the other stuff that comes along with it.  I love the Halloween decorations.  I love watching horror flicks with family &/or friends at the end of the night.  When I was back in Kansas, I did all of these things (when I wasn't working, which was still fun).  We all went to a Halloween party this afternoon, which was kind of fun, but it just wasn't the same as being with my younger siblings on Halloween.  Taking my niece around to a few houses to trick-or-treat was fun also.  For a while, I also enjoyed sitting around waiting for the kids to come to the door to trick-or-treat.  My brother called our mom to find out if the younger kids went out trick-or-treating and I was excited to ask what all mom said when he got off the phone.  While he was still on the phone, though, I got an eye-roll/dirty look and a comment that came with attitude.  This completely ruined it for me.  I couldn't be happy waiting for kids to stop by anymore.  I forgot to ask more about what mom said on the phone.  After a couple of minutes of sitting there, trying really hard not to cry in front of everyone, I came downstairs to the basement.  I haven't been up since other than to grab some water.  I watched Edward Scissorhands & Beetlejuice to try to help my mood.  Next year for Halloween, even if they aren't doing anything fun, I am going to go spend it with my sister in Arvada (unless I am back home & can spend it with my younger siblings).  I'd rather sit around doing nothing than have the emotional pain that I had tonight.  Halloween has always been associated with happy for me, but that changed this year.

I struggled with depression for many, many years.  I pushed it down and didn't let anybody see me cry for the longest time.  Finally, my boyfriend a few years ago decided that I needed to talk to somebody about it.  I didn't want counseling or anything because I did not have anything to talk about.  I just got really sad all the time and didn't know why.  I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants for a chemical imabalance.  They helped a lot.  I was on them for a couple years, then off for a few months, then back on them for a while.  I have been without them for about 3 years now.  I thought that i wasn't depressed at all anymore.  Maybe I'm not.  A lot of times lately, though, I find myself crying.  My ex-fiance committed suicide in September.  At first it really didn't bother me.  We had been apart for a year & a half.  He had hurt me and I was happy to not have talked to him in such a long time.  A couple days after I found out, it hit me.  This was the person I was going to marry.  It really got to me.  Once my questions were answered (thanks to his brother), I was fine again.  I had some sleeping trouble & figured it would go away in a couple of weeks, once I got over the news of his suicide.  I've been having trouble sleeping for about a month now.  It's not because of his death anymore.  It's insomnia.  I had it really bad for a few years a few years ago.  I try sleepytime tea, melatonin & even tylenol PM.  Nothing helps.  I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night.  My body really needs a full 8-9 to function properly (or maybe my mind does).  I find that if I don't set an alarm for work or anything, and the house is quiet enough in the morning, I can sleep in.  Once I fall asleep I can stay asleep for a long time.  Usually, though, I have to get up for work.  The days I don't have to get up for work, there is usually way too much noise in the house for me to sleep through.  I just wish I could fall asleep at a decent hour.  Sometimes I get tired, but then I just lay in bed for hours tossing & turning.  I wish I could sleep like I did before, when my life seemed like it was where I wanted it to be.

My brain is ready to rest.  This was good, just getting some of my thoughts out there.  I look forward to seeing what other thoughts I put in this blog as time goes on.  Hopefully one day soon, I will have a blog entry about how great my life is going & how I'm happy.

Until then...